i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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