The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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