I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
