listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
