I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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