I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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