Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize