Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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