happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
