Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize