U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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