just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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