I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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