He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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