lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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