Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
