I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
