so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
