Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
