i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
