So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize