Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
