Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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