I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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