I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
