I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
