I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
