Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have aggressive nipples.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
