Where did you get a picture of my penis
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
