You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
