My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize