My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
