Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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