Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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