I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He did a backflip because drugs
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
