I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
