my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
