Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
