the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
