he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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