just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
