So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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