too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
