dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
