He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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