Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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