That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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