you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
