Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
