Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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