I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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