Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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