she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
