I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
