Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
