Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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