Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You need a sexual gate keeper
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
