i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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