Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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