The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
