Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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