I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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