He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
time to smoke my breakfast
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
