I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
