can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
