I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
