So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Randomize
