i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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