i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
