I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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