and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
