I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
