Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize